The Kingdom of Shadows

Hello I’m Rob and I don’t like dub-step, this has nothing do with anything but i find it leads into the point I’m trying to make later on…..I hope

So yeah, I’m Rob, I like films, watching them making them, touching them, touching other people while watching them; whatever really takes my fancy. But most of all I like filming them.

I first got into film making when I saw “land of the dead”, i was around 14 at the time and had never seen anything so engrossing, so well played out so effortlessly magical up there on that giant screen(it wasn’t until years later after a gargantuan oral gang rape from a group of, then emo kids, now presumably hipsters, that i was informed this film was shit….I still sort of love it).

So in the next few days after blowing the dust of my friend marks video camera, which recorded audio that sounded like two velociraptor fighting to the death in a lava pit, and assembling an all star cast which consisted of me and some guy who we didn’t really know at the time….we shot our own zombie movie. Now, what we actually made was a cluster fuck of really awful acting, editing and terrible effects. We were bombarded with comments telling us to perform sado-masochistic acts on ourselves and to basically rot in a whole and die, a hard pill to swallow at 14, but i thought to myself “if I want to work in the film business I better get used to things that are hard to swallow”.

So, after having our masterpiece smashed to pieces in front of our very eyes we decided to reassess the situation. What was missing from our film, what was the vital ingredient that we’d forgotten. Boobs was the first thing that came to mind then cats, realizing we couldn’t get any boobs or any…… pussy(bazinga) for our film, we came to a horrifying conclusion. We needed a story.

So, here’s a snippet of what we came up with.

Zombie death 2004

Dan:

What the hell is necrophilia

Ryan:

You know, like he fucks dead people

Dan:

how does that even work

Ryan:

 It’s simple really he just lubes em’ up

and sticks it in, Unless he’s into like guys

I which case he’d have to get a fresh corpse

‘cos of the rigermortus,

So, yeah, not my best piece of writing ever. Suffice to say we never shot zombie death, in fact my friend Mark went on to study business studies and my friend Ryan went on to become some sort of dub step DJ I assume, that’s what all the cool kids are doing these days right?

And so there I was left with dreams of being a director, of making amazing films and totally rubbing it the greasy faces of all the bastards who always told me “You’ll never amount to shit”, well fuck you bastards, cos’ I won best FE Drama film at inspire film festival 2007 in Birmingham. Also it was reviewed by Barry Ryan

“Some issues with the sound….” (fuck you barry!!!)

But this comical tale of film making adventures does have a point, through all the shit, all the hard swallowing and all the films that never were, I still love film making, it still excites me like a small child, unsure whether or not to take a trip into the van with blacked out windows and “free sweets” sprayed on the side. Knowing full well there’s a paedophile in there but fuck it, why not, why not risk it. I suppose that’s my metaphor on film making, sure nine times out of ten you’re going to get fucked in the ass, but every now and then, you might just come away with something pretty sweet.